My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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