cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
