So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
