She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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