You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
