I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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