im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
