Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
