Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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