If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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