ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
