Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
