I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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