I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
