So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
