ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
