I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
