Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
