My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
