Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she pinky promised me she was 18
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
