you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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