Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
