If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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