There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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