My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
