Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
