i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
