i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
