Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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