my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
