I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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