I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
