dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize