I should be sponsored by Trojan
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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