i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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