How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Randomize