If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
