at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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