census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize