Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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