I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
