my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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