I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
