Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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