Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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