I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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