i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
