i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
