I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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