I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
