How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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