She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You are a genius and a whore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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