I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
