): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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