Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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