Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
