You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize