guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
