Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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