Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think your dad took our porno
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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