you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
