Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
