im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
