Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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